who is this me person?

“To find ones self, it to reach true happiness” – random note on the bottom of my date pad.

So, at work I have this little calendar and each day, it feels the need to throw an ‘inspirational’ quote at me, none of which make any sense at all.

Do we really know what it actually MEANS to find ones self? I know that I have NOOOOO idea at all.

I put my google skills to the test and tried to find out what exactly people think this means and the most common answer was this:

“to look inner at yourself.”

Well gee, that is insightful. How in the world do you describe to someone how look into themselves???

“You don’t know who you are, go and find yourself” is a statement that I have been struggling with for a long time now.

I have heard so many people say “go travelling and FIND YOURSELF” “go on an adventure and discover who you TRULY ARE” “don’t get married until you are at least 30, your too young to know who you are before then.”

What I would like to know is this:

How does spending thousands of dollars to go and see pretty landmarks make you have an epiphany as to who you are?

How does suddenly having your 30th birthday enlighten you as to whom your true inner self is?
To me, none of this makes sense.

It says in the Bible that God created us in his own image, so to me, it only makes sense that we can truly find ourselves in Him. Not by travelling, not by trying lots of different crazy things to see what floats our boat and what sinks it, and not by sitting there ALONE until we suddenly hit 30.

I don’t think that having a birthday or going around the world it the way that we discover who we are.

I would argue that you actually can NEVER know who you are perfectly without REALLY knowing who God is.

I have honestly got no idea who “Claire” is. I know what she wants, I know what she likes and what she dislikes and I know what she wants out of life, maybe this is what finding ‘you’ means – but this seems somewhat shallow.

Perhaps just doing life, loving others and maturing in your Christian walk is the only way to discover who you are.

I don’t know really how to describe who I am. If someone asked me if I have ‘found myself’ I think I would laugh at them and tell them I have no idea what that even means. But I also think that right now, if I was to go of and backpack through Europe I would come back just as clueless I was when I left.

I think its hard to really be able to sit there and DEFINE specific things that make me, well, me. Its easy to define the shallow things – what colour I like, what food I like, what things I enjoy and what things drive me crazy, the things I am passionate about and then things that I don’t really think about etc. but there is so much more to me than just that, things that are seemingly impossible to describe.

Maybe God is the only person who can truly say that he KNOWS me. The only person who really knows who I am. Maybe I will actually never be enlightened as to how to answer someone when they ask me if I have found myself.

The only thing that I do know is this:

I know who I am in the Lord.

For me, this is one of the most important things to discover in life and for me, that is all that REALLY matters. That is all that I really care about.

My Rabbit

Recently, I have bought a pet rabbit.

Her name is Lillie (because when I wrote the name 'Lily" - it looked common and I am all about being unique) she is orange and has long floppy ears and she is, well, beautiful!

I bought her to be my cuddling buddy for when I take the big step and leave the nest.

There are bound to be nights when its cold, windy and raining outside, and my lovely soon to be housemates are away and I am alone and well, lonely.

This is where Lillie comes in. She has a special way of making your heart melt. She really is good company.

Over these past few days, I have been watching her, just seeing what it is that she does and it seems that her little life consists of the following:

1. Eating
2. Frolicking in grassy meadows and
3. Being cuddled.

She seriously doesn't have a single care or worry in the world.

This may be because she is just an animal, but I couldn't help but envy how simple and lovely it must be to live your own little happy life and ONLY have people around you who love you and want to make your life a better and happier place.

I couldn't help but envy how everyone around Lillie just wanted to cuddle her and make her feel special and worth something.

This may seem slightly crazy to some, but through the recent happenings of the past few months of my life, I have longed to have the life of my rabbit.

It's not a good feeling to know that people percieve you to be a person who has a horrible character. To have people believe that your character is ugly.

It's really not fun to be striving towards living a life of love and grace and to be told that really, you're a fake and one giant act. I know that this isn't truth, but to know that some people actually do think that about you, is actually quite depressing.

A rabbit is never made to seel like her life of peacefulness is a fraud.

I want people to know that my life isn't either. I want them to know that I am living a life in step with the Lord - I want more than anything, for my life to reflect His love for us.

Lately, I have been trying to work out what my purpose is.

I have all these people around me who know what God wants to do with their lives. They know the area in which they are meant to be serving in.

I have searched high and low for where I fit in this picture, but never have really found my place.

I was sitting talking with my beautiful mother about how it seems like I continually have friends in my life that have the exact same personal struggles. How these people almost seem to FIND me and lay their issues on me and then have a problem with my advice - and then it clicked.

Maybe God is using these people, their situations and their hostility to grow and mould me into a person that can truly be there for the hurting and the lost and the confused and the seriously misguided.

This thought is just in its early stages, but to me it makes sense and it's something that I want to explore a litte more.

So to bring this all back to my lovely pet bunny.

Although she has a simple life where she is continually loved and always thought about, she is loved because she FIRST showed that she loved me.

I wouldn't want to sit there and cuddle with her, if she had not first snuggled right up into me. In fact, I would have left her there in the pet shop.

Maybe, you can't have a life where you are loved, cared about and respected unless first, you show these qualities in your own life.

I mean really, who wants to have a hostile pet rabbit.